she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
