On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
