my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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