I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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