how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
