I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
