i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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