Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
