I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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