I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
