you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
