Don't make out with my wife yet
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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