so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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