I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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