It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
