Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
