Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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