You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
