This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
