i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
