well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Randomize
