Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
