Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
