god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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