you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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