I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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