She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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