...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
