my phone needs a breathalizer
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize