Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
