I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
