people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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