I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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