Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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