24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
