you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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