her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
