Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
