you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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