WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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