You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
