And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
