I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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