I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
