Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
