btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
