i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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