Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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