When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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