I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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