Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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