I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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