And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if you like me you must not know who I am
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
