When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
