he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
