halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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